Delicious Demons: Food, Fear & Fury

Just binged the fuck out of some sushi. Admittedly I've been struggling with anger all day. I'm angry about my domestic situation. Dan has not been living up to the houseboy expectations that we agreed upon and I feel trapped in a hopeless situation. If I am to have Trent in my life then I'm forced to concede that I need Dan yo help take care of him.

I don't like feeling my feelings. It's uncomfortable and I'd rather ignore them or self medicate. 

So I'm craving Kentucky fried chicken which is nuts because it's so random amd gross. What Am I Feeling? I am feeling anxious, scared, despondent, hopeless and trapped. I'm having a combination of a brutal period and bad hangover. I've been ruminating over my feelings of being trapped in a domestic situation that is emotionally volatile. What Was The Trigger? I started craving the KFC when I saw the commercial. It just seemed so bright and happy like it could take away my fear and sadness and replace it with a satisfying crispy golden deliciousness. I've been feeling restless and discontent all day. What Do I Need? I need serenity, satisfaction, reassurance and hope.

Dear God. I feel like I'm at my wits end. I'm scared, lonely, hurt and unable to focus. I am out of control and that terrifies me. I ask that you please help me find an employment situation that will be the most beneficial. I put my family into your hands. Help me stay sober. You are the only one who knows what level of sobriety is ideal for me. Please help me maintain it. Amen.

I want crispy greasy breakfast burgers and hashbrowns. What am I feeling? I'm feeling depressed, uneasy and in physical pain. I'm also legitimately hungry. I am full of guilt and anxiety because I haven't been working. Also, I feel massive amounts of guilt because I got really drunk the other night. I think my alcohol consumption has spiraled out of control along with my eating. I definitely have had an issue with binging lately. I've also noticed that I've neen feeling a lot of anger for several months. Anger and discontentmemt. What was the trigger? I started craving breakfast junk when Dan said he was getting Trent breakfast sandwiches. My empty stomach is growling and adding to my physical discomfort.  What do I need? I need proper nourishment, pain killers and to be cheered up.

I am craving food. Nothing specific, but I have the urge to eat despite having eaten only 1 hour ago. What am I feeling? I am feeling uneasy, insecure, fearful and like something bad is going to happen. What was the trigger? I started feeling fearful after going to the bank. Financial matters have been a dark cloud over my life for several years now. Being unemployed and knowing that my EI is going to run it is weighing on me today. What do I need? I need financial security. Living pay cheque to pay cheque and flying by the seat of my pants financially is stressful. I wish I had savings and financial autonomy. The nature of my work and my medical condition makes for a financially unstable situation. I need to feel secure financially. 

I want cake or confections or sweets. What am I feeling? I am feeling angry, confused, unsure and scared. I'm feeling this way because it's the 16th anniversary of my Dad's death. There are a lot of unanswered questions from my childhood that I want answered. I feel powerless and frustrated that I will never get those answers. What was the trigger? Thinking about how I will never get an apology or explanation as to why my dad swung from being such a kind supportive man to being mentally and physically abusive. What do I need? I guess I really want closure and answers, but I will never get them in this life. I am deeply troubled by this because I want to forgive and heal. Part of that process for me is having explanations. I need to confront him and call him out on a lot of shit. I desire confrontation...a confrontation I'll never get. This is yet another arguement I'm forced to concede, not because he's right or justified, but because he's dead. Even in deat...

11:30am 3 Breakfast Burgers from McDonald's 6:00pm 2 lettuce wrapped veggie burgers

I just got off a rather emotionally challenging phone call with Dan to find myself being tempted by th Cinnamon Toast Crunch in the pantry closet. What am I feeling? After almost all my encounters with Dan I feel a profound sense of disappointment, alienation and lonliness. What was the trigger? Seeing the cinnamon toast crunch in the pantry and knowing it would give me some pleasure in my moment of disappointment.  What do I need? I need to have a fulfilling relationship where I feel connected and derive pleasire from my encounters with said person.

I'm craving chips. Let's talk about it. What am I feeling? Physically speaking I'm feeling pain in my back. The same pain I've had for a while and I start freaking out thinking that I've got lung cancer because I'm terrified that my intermittent smoking has ruined my lungs.  What was the trigger? Fear of having a self inflicted terminal illness was the trigger. Eating chips is distracting and comforting. What do I need? I need to distract myself from the pain and comfort myself from the fear that overwhelms me when I feel pain. The reality of things is that pain is a daily occurence in my life, but it still scares the shit out of me because my mind automatically starts catastrophising what the source of the pain might be.

I'm craving food. Nothing specific, but I want something tasty in my mouth. Something to fill the void. Something to make me feel good. I want to feel satisfaction and pleasure.  What Am I Feeling? Overall right now I'm feeling discontent. I keep telling myself to work on A Bionic Holiday Ballad but I find myself unmotivated and unable to focus. I'm feeling bothered by my PTSD flasbacks today which brought up a murderous rage that I felt bubble to the surface many a time as a child when my parents hit me. I had flashbacks to those feelings of terror, helplessness and homicidal anger. I hate those feelings. I can't tolerate that feeling of burning rage and hatred. It pierces me to my core. What Triggered My Craving? My desire to feel some kind of satisfaction is what triggered my craving.  What Do I Need? I need to feel satisfaction. Food makes me feel satisfied. Acheiving goals makes me feel satisfied. Good sex makes me feel satisfied. Acheivement and sex were lacking t...