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New Boundary

I am not going to enter into a relationship arrangement that restricts my autonomy. There. I said it. That's my new boundary and it applies to you and everyone else I'm involved with. I know we've had a one-sided "don't ask don't tell" open relationship in the past, but I feel like since we're separated that it no longer applies. I wish we could talk openly about my other non-platonic friendships. I've obviously had a few since we've been together and I believe you're aware of most of them. I wish I could tell you about the two I'm currently involved with. It would help me so much to be able to share them with you and would go a long way to reestablishing emotional safety in our relationship. I also want to be respectful of your feelings though. It's hard because I do consider you my closest friend and this is the kind of stuff I like to share with my close friends. I'm going to write it here because this is all the stuff I want...
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Flight Mode

I have this urge to die. It's not a conscious desire, but deep down inside there's this push to just end it all. I feel overwhelmed by the magnitude of stuff I need to do in order to be a successful human by my own standards which are the only ones that matter. I feel completely out of control with my eating and I'm so damn tired all of the time. I just want to die. I don't want to be a parent anymore to a verbally abusive kid. I have 7 years of unfiled taxes. There's a lien on my house because Dan didn't deal with the strata. I can't seem to make enough money to pad up my bank account and my Etsy sales have dwindled. Fuck my life right now. I'm so depressed. I feel beyond unmotivated to do anything.
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Eating My Feelings

I'm self aware enough to know that I over eat and drink to sooth my broken heart. I feel lonely much of the time. I feel depressed while at home. I am at peace in the ocean, but I'm too tired to get off my ass and I just want to escape my loneliness. I can't go on like this. I want out of this situation so bad. I'm too tired to leave. I feel too overwhelmed to make the changes and take the steps to leave Dan in a way that would be beneficial to both of us. I just want out so bad. Living in this house with him is like living in a mausoleum. There's so much life I want to do in life and being tied to Dan definitely holds me back. He's a nice man and I do love him deeply, but I can't share a living space with him anymore. I want out.
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MELMFS Part 2

I'm so tired. I drank the equivalent of 8 standard drinks yesterday. Why? To escape. I tried convincing myself not to, bug I just wanted that sense of tranquility so bad. Now I'm... M - $65 poorer E - Too exhausted to get out of bed L - Smoked cigarettes  M - Feeling super depressed and low F - Consumed at least 1000 calories from booze alone  S - Had bad dreams
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MELMFS

Money  Energy Longevity Mood Fitness  Sleep Money: More money to spend on going surfing, making home furnishings, saving for renos, pumping into business ventures, buying clothes, cosmetic procedures, a housekeeper etc. Energy: Let's be real, you get a sense of purpose from getting things accomplished and you need energy to do that. Ain't nobody got time for a hangover and also you're not 20 so you need all the help that you can get. Less booze = more energy. Longevity: This is building on that last one. The longer you live, the more stuff you get to experience. Overindulgence in booze means you'll smoke and put yourself at greater risk for a whole host of diseases which are largely preventable. Plus you wanna have a good quality of life in your older years too, right? Mood: Fucking with your GABA and Seretonin levels is a recipe for unnecessary mood disorders. Mood affects EVERYTHING!!! It affects your enjoyment of life, relationships, motivation, physical health, abil...
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Sushi Sorrow

Just binged the fuck out of some sushi. Admittedly I've been struggling with anger all day. I'm angry about my domestic situation. Dan has not been living up to the houseboy expectations that we agreed upon and I feel trapped in a hopeless situation. If I am to have Trent in my life then I'm forced to concede that I need Dan yo help take care of him.
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Feelings

I don't like feeling my feelings. It's uncomfortable and I'd rather ignore them or self medicate. 
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